The Ottoman Empire in 1914

It’s understandable that sometimes Turkish people feel disheartened.

Less than 100 years ago, the Ottoman Empire was quite a force in the world. It ruled a large swathe of real estate. By some accounts, a phenomenal variety of ethnicities, languages and religions lived within its borders in relative amity.

Then the Sultan and his advisers got sucked into a war they never really wanted with the British and French. Even fierce antipodeans turned up on their beaches to take shots at them. Eventually stripped of its Empire by more voracious imperialists, Turkey was cut down to size. The region known as Palestine was grabbed for a very special purpose: to create a ‘Jewish Homeland’, known from 1948 onwards as the State of Israel.

Now – just when the Turks thoughts their worst troubles might be over – I have decided to launch the Hattusa Movement. Happily, I have powerful backers and a cause that’s self-evidently fair and reasonable.

It's all ours and we want it back!

My goal is a homeland for all Indo-European people – a place we Aryans can truly call our own.

I call on Indo-Europeans everywhere – from California to New Dehli – to join this noble quest to restore the greater Hittite Empire. OK – I know it’s bad news for Lebanon and for the Syrians too – but no omelet was ever made without breaking eggs…

Hittites: our Gods are mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more!

We Indo-European Hittites were promised Our Land by many Gods, literally ages ago  – and as the heirs of the ancient Hittites, we never relinquished our sole right to the entire Land of the City of Hattusa.

Naturally, all Indo-Europeans, from the Cornish to the Farsi-speaking Persians, are entitled to return to our ancestral Aryan land.

‘Next year in Hattusa!’ shall be our catchcall.

Grumbling Turks complain our Hattusan Project fragments their country. These people are notorious anti-Hittites – and probably terrorists too. It may be necessary, for the good of all, to wall them off.

Luxury New Hattusa Appartments: don't miss this once-every-few-millenia deal!

We shall restore the ancient Hittite language – as well as the use of cuneiform. Naturally, as we Indo-Europeans mobilize our enormous collective economic and political muscle, from Canberra to Ottawa, London to Cape Town, Moscow to Madrid, we shall ensure that the Hittite Empire, once restored, outclasses all other nations in the region. We’ll need nukes for that – and plenty of them – which we’ll neither confirm nor deny. With the powerful, omni-present Indo-European Lobby backing us all the way, who’ll ever dare argue with that?

Hattusa: a waste of prime real estate, ever since we were pushed out

We, the Hittite people, know that The Fall of Hattusa, an event still painful to contemplate, was the greatest cataclysm ever to befall human beings, before or since. Seven Million Hittites perished during The Fall, in circumstances of unimaginable horror. But we’ve learnt the lesson of history. Today’s Hittites will never again fall victim to the savagary of unrestrained anti-Hittism.

Motivated only by hatred and xenophobia, certain extremist neo-Turkic anti-Hittites have raised questions about the accuracy of Hattusan history. This is truly despicable. It’s especially offensive when they deny the deliberate murder of Seven Million Indo-Europeans, who were boiled in large pots and fed to wolves. They even dare say there’s insufficient evidence!

These people are clinically sick. How can any reasonable person deny the Fall of Hattusa? Surely they can see the ruins for themselves? There are fragmentary written accounts. Anyhow, if there was no Fall, what happened to seven million Hattusans? What more proof could anyone possibly want?

With the compensation owed us by Egyptians, Babylonians & Assyrians, we'll restore Hattusa to its former glory

Fortunately, we Indo-Europeans can use our collective lobbying power to stamp out anti-Hittitic hate speech. We are, of course, generally the greatest proponents of free speech, but it’s necessary to draw the line at Fall Deniers.

We owe it to Indo-Europeans everywhere to ensure that no Hattusans ever again fall prey to hate criminals. The Hittite People have suffered enough!

Never Again!